Link vs Cloud: Case of The Ultima Hair Gel
by Devil Dark Shadow
Summary: This is my sequal to Dark Angel's story: Cloud vs Link (The weirdo from the Zelda series) because it made me soooooooo mad! This is really more Zelda related at the beginning, but then it all ends up it Midgar. And I may be way off because I've only sta


Link vs. Cloud Strife: Case of the Ultima Hair Gel

Note:I am not an anti Cloud person; it's just that Dark Angel (Laura) REALLY annoyed me with her story, Cloud vs Link (The Weirdo from the Zelda series).So this is my follow up to her story.Again I point out that Sheik isn't ***** because he is so much cooler than her!

It was a normal, peaceful, sunny day in Hyrule.Until a certain blonde Spiky-haired individual came and wrecked it all.Cloud thought that he had killed Ganon and Link, but let's face it, we all know that he is WAY to puny to do anything like that so they were just knocked out, leaving Ganon's minions to wreak as much havoc as they could.

Link wakes up.

Link:Zelda?Hellooooooooooooooooo?Where are you?

Ganon wakes up and sneaks away.

Link:Where the %^&* do you think you're…Oh screw it; I have more important things to do, like killing a certain person.Sheik!!

There is a flash of light and Sheik appears.

Sheik:(Fed up) What?I'm not just here for you to summon me whenever you want y'know!

Link:Well what is sooooooooooo important that you won't help me?

Sheik:I didn't say I wouldn't help you, but I was trying to score with Nabooru… with Shadow!

Link:Oh this is more important than your deprived love life!D'ya know where Zelda is?

Sheik takes offence and turns away.

Link:Oh c'mon!!Help me and I'll………I'll help you score!

Sheik bursts out laughing.He's laughing so hysterically he falls on the floor.

Sheik:(Laughing) You..?!Ha ha!YOU, help ME?!!Help me to score?Ha!!!That's a good one!!!

Link:Sheik!!Just help me please!!

Sheik:(His laughing dies down to mere hiccups) All right, what?

Link:D'ya know where Zelda is?

Sheik:Zelda?Well word got round that blonde poof took her back to his world……

Link: %^&*!!!!%^&* him!!You didn't stop him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sheik:Well, I don't really give a toss about Zelda......

Link looks angrily and evilly at Sheik, his arms out like he's about to cast Din's Fire (Zelda magic spell for those that don't know).

Sheik:(Kinda worried) But I do know Cloud's ultimate weakness!!!!

Link:(Returns to normal) Really?What is it?

Sheik: It's that cool, err gay hair of his!He can't stand to have boring hair!

Link: (In disbelief) His HAIR?No way, even HE can't be that sad.

Sheik: It is!I'll prove it to you!

Sheik takes out some Ultima Hair Gel out of nowhere and gives it to Link.

Link: What the $%^& is this?

Sheik: That, my indolent friend, is Ultima Hair Gel, "The Ultimate Hair Kit for the Needy".Cloud is pretty needy, but not in the hair department………..

Link: So what do I do?Do I use it?

Link goes to puts the stuff on his hair.Sheik screams and dives in slow motion.

Sheik: Link!NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Sheik knocks Link on the floor and gets in the way of the splodgy gel and it splatters all over one half of his hair.

Link: What the $%^& d'ya do that for you…..

Sheik gets up, Link stares at him, trying to hold in the smirk on his face.

Sheik: What?

Link whips a mirror from his bottomless item sack and gives it to Sheik.Sheik looks in the mirror and screams.

Sheik: Oh my Goddess!!!!!!!!

Sheik sees that one half of his hair has the exact same style of Cloud's.The _exact_ same hairstyle.And with just half of his head like that, he does look a little strange.

Sheik: You stupid ^%&*!!!!!!!What the hell am I going to do?!!

Link holds up the rest of the hair gel materia.

Link: The only thing you can.You're gonna look so weird.

Sheik: (With a sarcastic, unpleased grin) Thanks.

Sheik takes the hair gel and squeezes the rest on the other side of his head.

Link: (Looking half mean, half laughing) Y'know, If you didn't have on your Sheikah clothes, I wouldn't be able to tell you apart from that gimp.

Sheik backs away.

Sheik: Uhh…. Whatever.Just lemme tell you my idea.

Link: Shoot.

Sheik: Think about it.If Cloud can't stand to have normal hair and he needs Ultima Hair Gel to have that uhh, eccentric style of his, all we need to do is get rid of all the materia containing Ultima Hair Gel!!!!!

Link: (Happy) And he'll be so busy looking for it, I'll get my revenge!! (Normal) You're a bit of a scheming git aren't you?

Sheik: (Modest) Well, just a bit.It comes with the job.

Link: One thing, just WHEREis his world?

Sheik: Ummmm…. (Whips out the Final Fantasy VII manual) Hold on I'll find it.

Link: (A mean look of rivalry appears on his face) Where did you get THAT_?_Hmm?

Sheik: (Again scared by Link's evil look) Uhh, he left it here…..?

Link: Right answer.

Sheik flicks through the book.

Sheik: Let's see.Shinra.No.Mako.No.Yuffie Kisaragi…(Drools) Hey hey!!I'll stop here!

Link: (Snatches the book) Give me that!(Looks at the pictures) Tifa Lockheart?Uhh, I think I'll keep this…(Flicks through) Ah, here we go.Midgar.

Sheik does a little hero pose and a vortexy thing appears.

Sheik: Let's go!

They both jump through the swirling circle of empty space.Seconds later, another swirly circle of empty space appears in Midgar.(I've only just started playing FFVII, so if I'm a bit off, sorry! ^_^;;;) Link and Sheik fall through it.

Sheik: (Getting up) This is………different.

Link: What a dump.I wouldn't rescue this place from whoever's trying to destroy it. (To Sheik) That is the storyline right?

Sheik: Read the manual.

Link: (Reading) A struggle to determine the planet's future… blah blah blah, Shinra, Avalanche.Oh, here it is.

Sheik: Taking the book) Can Cloud and AVALANCHE protect the planet from the huge, formidable enemy, Shinra. Inc.?

Link: Like hell he can.

Zelda: (In Link and Sheik's minds) Oh please!!Somebody, HELP ME!!!!!!

Link: What's wrong?!

Zelda: Cloud's with me.And he's, well, _making the first move_!!!!! 

Link: The HELL?!!!Hold on Zelda, I'm coming!

Zelda's voice disappears.Our heroes are stuck thinking about what to do.

Sheik: Did I hear that right?

Link: Yeah.Let's get this over with.Damn Cloud.I'll teach him to mess with my girlfriend!!!

Sheik: (Under his breath) Wishful thinking.(Normally) Let's go then.I wanna meet this Yuffie girl.

They walk around for a while looking for Materia stores.Actually, they don't know the area, so they walk for more than a while, they walk around for ages.Ages and AGES and A-G-E-S, and then they finally find one.

Link: Okay, I'll walk in and ask whether they have any.If they do I'll distract him and you do you're whole disappear-reappear thing, okay?

Sheik: Shouldn't we wait until it's dark?Night is my specialty.

Link: Fine, I'll ask now and then we'll wait.And please try to keep that new do under control.

Sheik: (Trying to brush back his hair) Thanks for reminding me.When this is over, I'm going to kill you.

Link: (Nervous smile) Oh..!I think I'll go in there now then.Eh heh…

Sheik stays outside and Link walks in the little shack-like Materia shop.

Link: Hi, you don't happen to have any Ultima Hair Gel here do you?

Owner: Yeah, we've got loadsa the stuff.Only one customer that buys it though.

Link: Yeah well…

Owner: But I'm surprised that _anyone_ buys this stuff.I mean, dya know what kind of style this thing gives you?You'd have to be crazy to wear this.Take the guy that _does_ buy it, he's pretty…

Link: Yes!Okay!I'll go now if you're quite finished.

Owner: Nah, I _have_ to tell you!You see, it all started way back in……

Link: Oh Goddess…

Link sneaks off, leaving the owner of the shop to speak to some non-existent person.

Link: Okay, now we wait.You better do this right.

Sheik: (Evilly) Who said it was just _me_ doing this?

Link: (Shrugs) I dunno.But you're a Sheikah!Night is YOUR department.

Sheik: Oh no, I know what you're up to.If I get caught, you'll walk away.Well, that's not happening.If I go down, you're breaking my fall, understand?

Link: (Unnerved by Sheik's quick mood swing) Okay!But what's brought this on?

Sheik: I think this stuff goes to your head.

Link: It better not.If you turn into a Cloud wannabe that'd just ruin the whole storyline of Zelda!

Sheik: %^&*!!!!!!!! The game!!! What if someone's playing it now?!!

Link: Then they'll just have to beat the game as Young Link, won't they?If we don't finish our job here, they won't have a princess to rescue.

Zelda: I hate to interrupt, but HELP!!!!!

Link: HOLD ON ALREADY!!!It takes brains to pull this stunt off.

Sheik: Which is why I'm doing the thinking.

Link: Shut up.

Inside Cloud's other house, (See, I'm way off aren't I?) which isn't in Nibelheim but somewhere near where Link and Sheik are (very coincidental huh?), Zelda sits down with a horrified expression on her face.

Zelda: Oh my Goddess! Stop it!!Stop the madness!!!

Cloud: (Holding a Playstation controller) But this bit's really really good!!!

On the TV in front of them, we can see Cloud beating Rufus for the first time.

Cloud: You HAVE to see this part!Don't I look really cool on this motorbike?

Zelda: (Covering her eyes) I don't care, I'm not looking!!! I'm not looking!!

Cloud pins her hands behind her back.

Cloud: Watch it, you stupid '64 girl!You'll love it!!

Zelda, insulted by the remark, bites Cloud's arm.Cloud yelps and lets go.

Zelda: I'm a '64 girl and proud of it!!!You're ruining my game!If I'm not there, millions of people will have no one to rescue!Think of the chaos!!

Cloud: (Rubbing his arm) Oh, like I care.Now, try this minigame.It's easy enough, even for you.

Zelda, against her will, starts to play the motorbike minigame.

Back at… uhh, wherever it is Sheik and Link are, it is nighttime.

Sheik: Okay, this is dark enough. C'mon, let's go.

Sheik gets up, but sits back down again when he hears the unpleasant sound of someone snoring.

Sheik: Oh, please don't tell me you're………

Sheik turns around and finds his thought confirmed.Link is sleeping.

Link: Zzzzzzz…… Oh Tifa, let us rule Hyrule together.Zzzzzzzz……Huh? Forget about Sheik, Yuffie, live with me…… Zzzzzzz………

Sheik angrily starts to shake Link.

Sheik: Wake up you $%^£in' lazy arsed %^&*^%&%^%*^%&%&*%&%$^%$^$$^^!!!!!!!!!

The unnatural sound of Sheik swearing startles Link as he wakes up.

Link: What?? What now?

Sheik: Are we gonna do this or not?

Link: Okay okay!!I'm ready.Let's……Who is that?

Sheik turns around and sees a shadowy figure sneak into the Materia Store.

Sheik: Let me see.

Sheik takes out the Final Fantasy VII manual and skips to the part where the character's profiles are.He pauses and looks up, a goofy, love struck smile on his face.

Link: Well? Who is it?

Sheik: (Drooling) …………………It's Yummy………………Uhh, I mean Yuffie………………

Link: Wahey!Let's get in that store!

Link starts to run towards the store.Sheik does his appear-out-of-nowhere trick and dashes in front of Link and pushes him over.

Sheik: Sorry Link, you're stuck with Zelda.I'm sure she'll be more interested in someone nice and single.

Link: Yeah sure, someone like me!I never said I was going out with her did I?

Sheik: Yeah you did!Remember, "I'll teach him to mess with my girlfriend!!!"?

Link: Well I…………Hold on a second!Why would she be sneaking into the store at this time?

Sheik: That's actually a quite smart question coming from someone with your intellect, let's find out.

They both walk casually into the store and find Yuffie.She is holding a sack and is shoving all the Ultima Hair Gel Materia inside it!

Sheik: What ARE you doing?

Yuffie turns around and sees that she has unexpected company.

Yuffie: Well you see, I….. uhh…… TIFA!!!!!!!!!

Tifa appears.

Tifa: What are you two doing here?In fact, who the hell are you?!

Link places his hands on his hips and puffs up his chest.

Link: (Smugly) I'm Link, the Hero of Time!

Sheik just sighs and shakes his head.

Sheik: I'm Sheik.Forgive Link, he's kinda not-all-there.

Tifa and Yuffie both start to laugh.

Yuffie: Why?Why do you have THAT hairstyle?

Sheik: (Trying to flatten his hair, but it's rock solid) That was Link's fault.I was showing him the Hair Gel and well, you can kinda guess what happened.

Tifa: Maybe, but that's Cloud's hairstyle!You're stealing his originality!

Sheik: It was an accident!!!!(Looking at Link) And someone's going to pay for it.

Link: Oh, well uhh….. Gee, would you look at the time?I should go.

Sheik: You're staying here fairy boy.Speaking of Hair Gel Materia, can I ask why you're stealing it?

Tifa: (Angrily) Cloud's brought home some new girl called Zelda and is now spending all his time with HER!!!!He'll never notice me!!

Yuffie: We're going to teach him a lesson by stealing the Materia.

Sheik: (Smiling) You know what Yuffie?You might just be able to help us.

Yuffie: Huh?

Sheik: (Whispering to Link) We have the same idea, we're a perfect match!

Link: (Whispering back) I don't care which one I get, let's just get this over with.

Yuffie and Tifa look at each other, wondering what Sheik and Link are talking about.

Link: (Seizing his opportunity) How about this Tifa?I'll help you with your little revenge plan AND take this Zelda girl back to umm, wherever it is she came from.

Tifa: You would?!!

Tifa runs up to Link and hugs him.Link winks at Sheik.

Link: (Telepathically to Sheik) I am too good!

Sheik: No, you're not. (To Yuffie) He means WE'LL help.

Tifa lets go of Link and picks up some more Hair Gel Materia.

Tifa: Well come on then.There's no time to lose.I can just imagine what he's doing with that girl; I used to be the only person he played games with!

Sheik: (Whilst packing away the Materia) So you're a ninja huh?Wow, we've got something in common because I'm a Sheikah.

Yuffie: And that is..?

Sheik: (Not realizing that he's only making a fool of himself) It's kinda close to ninja, only not.It's what we're called in Hy—

Link: (Coughing loudly) AHEM!!

Sheik: (Remembering that Link doesn't want Tifa to know where they're from) Uhh… It doesn't matter.

Tifa: (Whilst fumbling with the Ultima Hair Gel) I'll teach that Zelda to mess with my future husband…

They all steal the Hair Gel Materia and by morning they are well away from the store and it's gossipy owner.

Meanwhile, back at Cloud's house:

Cloud: ARGH!!!!!!!

Zelda: Now what?

Cloud some into the room, Zelda bursts out in hysterics and rolls on the floor.

Zelda: Ha! You!! Ha ha!!!!You look REALLY weird!!Ha ha!

Cloud tries in vain to cover his flat hair and looks around for "The Ultimate Hair Kit for the Needy".

Cloud: Where is it?!!Oh no!!

Zelda: What?

Cloud: I can't find my Ultima Hair Gel Materia!Come on, we need to go down to the Materia Store and buy some more.

At ye olde Materia Store.

Cloud: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Owner: (Nervously) Sorry!I don't have any!

Cloud: (Meanly) But you ALWAYS have that Materia!!!!

Owner: (Still scared) I had loads left after I locked up!Someone must have stolen them!!

Zelda starts to have her laughing fit again.

Zelda: (Between laughs) Well done Link!Ooooo, I'm gonna treat you to a day in the Sacred Realm when we get back!!And then after………

Cloud: Link!!That $%^&!!!!!!!!(Grabbing Zelda) Come on, we're gonna find him!!!

Cloud and an unwilling Zelda start to walk around all of Midgar and, eventually, they too hear the unpleasant sound of someone snoring.Cloud walks towards the pneumatic drill-like sound and find Tifa, Yuffie, Link and Sheik lying on top of a giant, bulging sack.

Cloud: The search is over.

Hearing Cloud's voice, the four all get up.

Sheik: Oh %^&*.(Looking at Link) I knew we shouldn't have stopped to watch that stupid Pokémon movie!!!

Link: But I wanted to find out what happened to Pikachu……It's not my fault we fell asleep!!

Cloud just stares at the two arguers.After they finish their small outburst, he notices something that shouldn't be there.

Cloud: You $%^&!!!!!!!What are you doing with MY hairstyle?!!!!!!!!

Sheik: You can blame my little friend Link here.

Tifa: Cloud, did I ever mention how strange you looked with flat hair?

Cloud: That's because I never let you see me with flat hair Tifa.(To Link) I thought I killed you!

Link: (Laughing sadistically) You could never kill me!!!Mwa ha ha ha haaaaa!!

Sheik, frightened by Link's peculiar likeness to Ganondorf, backs away.

Sheik: And I thought the Hair gel was going to MY head…

Cloud: You and me, one on one right now!

Link: Bring it on little man!

Cloud unsheathes his sword and holds it in front of him.

Cloud: Oh $%^&!!!!!!!!

But finds that he only has his Buster Sword (Or whatever the fist sword you have is) in his hands.

Cloud: Oh, this is just great…

Link: Well, this'll be too easy.(Draws his sword) I… £$%^!!!!!

Link sees that he has only got his Kokiri Sword with him.He turns around to Sheik, looking for support.

Sheik: Oh!!Well I……… how did that happen?I didn't have anything to do with it, really.(In Link's mind) There was no way that I was going to let you walk off with Tifa!

Zelda hears the telepathic comment and stares at Link.

Zelda: Link!!!!!You were going to walk off with HER??!!

Tifa: I thought you didn't know Zelda?

Cloud: You were going to take away my uhh, bestest friend??!

Tifa looks saddened that Cloud didn't say what she wanted him to (I think we all know what that is!) Link places his hand on his head.

Link: (With a nervous, please-don't-hurt-me smile) You know what Zelda?I think we should go home now, whaddya reckon?

Sheik: You're in deep &*(% now!

Zelda, Tifa and Cloud roll up their sleeves.(Run Link run!)

Link: ……………………This isn't good……………… (Holds out the Kokiri Sword) Stand back!!This was pretty lethal when I was a kid!!You want some of this??

Zelda: Oh please.

Zelda uses some white magic and knocks the sword out of his hand.

Link: Okay, now this REALLY isn't good.You know what I'm gonna do now? I'm gonna………

Before finishing his sentence, Link summons a vortex back to Hyrule and jumps through it.

Link: (á la Snake from The Simpsons) Bye!

Zelda: After him!!

Zelda summons another vortex and her, Cloud and Tifa jump through it.

Cloud: (From within the vortex) Got you, you stupid little……

Back in Midgar, Yuffie and Sheik are just left to watch.

Sheik: You know what Yuffie?

Yuffie: What?

Sheik: I think that me and you should go to Hyrule, get high on burnt Deku leaves and then……………

Yuffie listens intently to Sheik's words.

Yuffie: Oh Sheik!!

# The End (;.;)/~


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